My best friend (of 10 years) and I very often talk about the changes our personality has gone through, due to each other, some painful heartbreaks and otherwise. And with each version we find ourselves—first, getting more and more comfortable with our own selves. And second, understanding the things we did wrong in particular spheres of life. As we go through life faster and faster, we find ourselves noticing and appreciating these changes in ourselves and each other. Mind you, none of them were, by any means, humungous or life-changing (I don’t think we’re there yet). All of these changes are small, incremental.

If I just talk about myself, each time I notice a change in myself, I notice it because of the results I yield in the subsequent months. That’s when I know my effort has yielded something. It always starts with effort—a genuine effort to try another way, just to shift something. But that still doesn’t qualify as a change yet; that’s just effort.

Giving 10% more to my work. Keeping my phone down in the middle of an episode because it’s way too late. Letting one more irksome thing go because I love someone. Small efforts towards a different direction, in the hope that maybe it might work this time.

But when does it qualify as a concretely altered behavioural pattern?

When I see something happening differently because of it. When I see even the slightest improvement over the results I’ve had in the past. A pat on the shoulder at work. My girlfriend saying, “you seem more relaxed nowadays.” Or just finally seeing a smile in the mirror as I get ready for the day. That’s when I say, I feel good about this. I wonder if I can feel like this again…

Then I try to get my reps in. Giving 15% more to my work, along with letting go of some things. Trying to be less of a bother. Drawing another line when being pushed too hard. It’s when I consciously try to replicate good results that it slowly seems like maybe this behaviour will stay. Until I need to change my approach. Again.

But that’s not the part that makes me feel like I might finally be growing up.

The part that makes me realise it is this: in order to grow and change and keep moving, one needs to recognise their own faults. Not the fucking obvious ones that everyone says they recognise. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t aim higher. I don’t say no often enough. I let people hurt me easily. Yada yada.

This is just shit people say—trying to seem modest by listing things they ought to change while still somehow complimenting themselves. Even I still find myself doing it sometimes.

“I don’t believe in myself enough” really means— Oh my god you have no idea how much potential I have, I’m just not doing stuff right now.

“I don’t say no enough” means— you know, you could ask anyone how nice I am, and so on.

The actual realisations that motivate change are much more hurtful.

Like, I spent three years blaming how life has been for where I am—but what could I have done about where I am? Or, I hate such and such person for always being hostile to me—but did my sideways stares and back-bitching help the situation?

It’s this feeling of knowing that the world isn’t just filled with big bad wolves that are out to get me—but that I was busy counting and obsessing over the wolves. When you assume responsibility for your contributions to situations rather than just blaming others, I think you start to want to change. When the entitlement of 'deserving' a better life starts getting drowned out by the want to 'build' it, things start getting better. Slowly. Exponentially slower than things went bad.

I’ll leave you with this— When you blame someone or something in your life for causing hurt or pain. Just ask these two questions:

1. Did I do anything to help the situation?
2. Can I do something to help the situation moving forward?