Usually a pretty articulate person, but since my most recent battle with major depression and subsequent diagnosis of AuDhD at the age of 53, I’ve struggled with concentration, with a near permanent state of complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

Tick all the boxes for Autistic Burnout, which frankly is just the proverbial icing on the cake.

Yet, I’ve also desperately wanted to, somehow, write and articulate what has, is and might happen to me.

So much has happened in the last 4 years, that has left me more fragile than an eggshell, that I’ve just not known where to start, so here I am.

I saw a Tweet that sort of resonated with me, but I felt compelled to personalise it:

AuDHD Late Diagnosis Grief Process:

1. Bewilderment, non acceptance, tears.

2. The “wait a minute” moment…

3. Realising a lot of your life has been a lie, fighting battles with your mind and body that you were never going to win. Losing friends, relatives, jobs along the way, now starts to makes more sense.

4. Anger, frustration, shame and guilt, with immense uncertainty going forward.

5. Questioning and reliving numerous past events; relentless rage and grief at a life lost.

6. Existential dread and profound identity crisis; if I’m not the person I’ve tried to be, then who am I now, and going forward.

7. Continues to dwell on the past, whilst simultaneously worrying about the present and future.

8. Rinse and repeat.