it comes and goes eventually, the tingle that feels like a knife in the back. my foolish mind thinks the knife goes out and back in at times, but reality is that i get used to knife's place, then someone or something, sometimes even me, pushes it deeper.

my mind thinks I'm alone, and any hope of it being just a frequent thought gets distilled by every day that passes. people don't reach out anymore, at least not like I'd like them to. some friends are still there, but my mind erases them from any priority because I like and want what I don't have.

every month the thought of becoming an ungrateful, disrespectful and rude man comes back, the type of man that sparks misandry with all due right. the type of person who lost anything they wanted and goes defensive at every new person that comes. wait, nobody comes.

i talked this with a few people and I've gotten more mature and understanding over the topic; i get depressed every time i don't receive things from people exactly as i want them, or not close enough. i do many things for them to give what i want; whether i deserve it or not is irrelevant, as life is often unfair. i forcefully learned to accept the fact, but the sting of denial overrides any acceptance my brain ever made every now and then.

friends never post me; i slightly used to wonder why, until they post other people whom they rarely hang out with too. far from making me stop wondering, i do more, however, the answers grow along the wonder, some being that I'm just uglier, they are prideful, they are ashamed of something about or related to me, or I'm just not that close of a friend; nothing is ever reciprocate. in a two person equation, always one side has more percentage over the other, every single time. my fearful mind always tried to get reciprocation by giving more at first, even though the biggest fear of them never giving the same or more comes true every single time. oh, and the one time i got more back? i lost that person; don't get me wrong! I'm grateful and conscious about the situation, however, that experience made me learn the difficulty of being alongside a weak mind. only God knows why I usually tried to fix weak minds, now I have to pay the price of having them as friends; friends who I love, but never had showed back love, never sacrificed boundaries for me, as I have done every time I thought I had to.

weak minds come with weak decisions, and sadly, some third parties decisions affected me and still do. I usually think, if I was the weird harasser that hurt them, and then I tried to come back to their lives, would they accept it as they actually did with an actual person they did it with? I had a close experience that almost costed me a whole friendship, and I willingly sacrificed every ounce of pride i had for this person to come back; i think every day if it was worth the radio silence i get from that person every now and then. a friend in common tells me to just accept this person as is, along with their actions which include the periodical radio silence, but how can I accept it when I adapted myself to their situations so frequently, yet they never adapted a single faction of themselves for me?

I learned that i want people to sacrifice things for me, just as I do. it's intense, absolutely, but where's the life in being bland with the people you love? I don't want them to say they never asked for it as a defense mechanism, I want them to realize i knew they never asked for it, so they appreciate my action more due to my time thinking about them, doing actions for them, which means at the end that I have love for them.

so yes, I'll still feel alone until they sacrifice and show me the same I show and sacrifice for them. nothing's free.