i think i've always been scared to call myself a control freak

obviously it's a loaded title with generally negative connotations, but for the last year or so, the thought of accepting the title has been circling my thoughts. i grew up in a pretty typical african household with a strict parenting style, and as many have noted before me, the mental blocks that grow exist even outside of a geographical boundary. after i hopped off the porch, the exercise of personal choice was still limited by my worldview. i got my dream first car, and by the time i had to sell it, it had not seen many routes outside of the commute from home to school. i was scared to even fathom asking myself if i could go anywhere that i wanted to, and after i realized one day that i could, that realization wore off and withered into complacency.

contrasting this, in my early childhood and formative years, i idolized people like steve jobs, henry ford, and kanye west, who may be some of the controllingest freaks of the past 2 centuries. at some point, i realized the enabler for the people that shift paradigms is reducing the gap between delusion and reality. the mechanism to reducing that gap is how far is one willing to go to create a nurturing ecosystem for their convictions. now dont get me wrong, im just a guy. not trying to control any large populations any time soon. but it has had me thinking of the effort (or lack thereof) that i put in now to create that ecosystem for my creative convictions.

the field and nature of my job currently does not encourage the development of long term projects, and most if not all of the things i am responsible for on a daily basis are out of my direct control. im sure my view on this is pretty myopic, as that is the reality for damn near anyone working a job, but i digress. as i become frustrated with a lack of control or effect on the structure of my job and the organization as a whole, i feel like it kills a certain part of me that was already not strong to begin with.

responsibility fatigue.

one of my biggest fears might be the idea that i would fall into the lull of mediocrity, and all of my creative convictions stay as just ideas that i had. maybe its just the way my brain is wired, but i have this cognitive dissonance where i am also generally risk adverse. the optimism of post grad has pretty much completely fallen off at this point, and as i look at my employed life, i feel like time is passing by while i stand still. literally, when i look at the amount i was creating in my documents folder and how much space it takes up vs. the past 2 years, it is demoralizing to say the least. i end every work day asking myself how do i move forward, which is usually followed up by asking myself if i even know where i want to go.

it's never concrete.

in the least consumerist way possible, as a designer, eras in my life often have physical touchpoints that center around things that i want. the way i see it, interacting with a product is a tangible, empathetic connection between me and all the designers that brought into existence. i could divide my life up into eras by the lineage of phones that i have, the cars, the places ive lived, etc etc. i find that pattern is making me crave consumption of new (or at least different) touchpoints in my life in hopes that somehow and someway, that m3 convertible will save my life. at least in that moment, i decide exactly what to spend my money on and own. does that fixation make me a control freak? who knows. i find myself attempting to be conscious of taking control of the little things as to not feed the diluting of that feeling of control in other spaces of my life. another fear is that loss of control leaking into said spaces.

maybe it already has.

now, if you dont mind, i'll be busy cleaning my room.