I just found out about this site and I feel like it's a comfortable place to share a couple of reflections and thoughts, instead of keeping them in a vault. I wrote this about a week ago, days after a situationship breakup.

Although last week I suffered like never before for a woman and even considered taking my life because of my lack of lucidity, this lucidity came to me for a moment a few days ago and made me see that I was also to blame for her leaving me. I may have done everything right, but the first thing they told me was that she wasn't looking for anything serious, which I ignored because when falling in love that thought usually changes, but this was not the case. I changed my thought from "why don't you want love if that's what we live for? we're born loving and we die loving." to something like "love is important but it's not everything, even less in a youth that frantically seeks fleeting pleasures." so I realized that I was wrong to judge her decision after she told me about it and we had finished whatever it was we had. That's why I texted her yesterday, even though she told me she didn't think she would respond to me again, but I thought that my regret and apologies would merit a response, which I feel I deserve for everything I did and gave for her. I didn't get a response and I even thought she blocked me, it turns out she only removed me from her contacts but I still didn't get a response. The latter, knowing it was a possibility, still disappoints me on her part. Although she has the right not to want to respond, I think that at 18 years old you have enough maturity to reply to something as important, brave and vulnerable for the other person as an apology. The main reason for my disappointment is the comparison of efforts and merit; while I gave everything of myself, even giving what I didn't have, she perhaps gave half of what I gave, or less. I don't like to blame these things, but I feel that the least I deserve is a response to a message this important. All this, together with hindsight, makes me see that she didn't and doesn't deserve me, and I'm better than her in almost every way. This is usually a good thing, but it doesn't feel like that; I would still like to spend quality time with her, doing the same things we did when we were still together. And it makes me angry, because I'm not in love and I have reasons (like seeing how ungrateful she's been or the disappointment all this causes me) to even dislike her, however I keep thinking about her and I even keep having that damn faith that she'll answer me, despite having seen that she won't and the reality is that I have no choice but to accept that everything is over, and that any bit of importance or affection towards me is now non-existent. On top of that, in all scenarios I lose; I've talked about her with my friends for hours, I've cried for hours because of her and I've questioned my life for days, but how much has she talked and thought about me? And if she has, how long has that topic of conversation lasted? I doubt it lasted more than 5 minutes. While I cried like never before and alone, because of what happened, she was and is probably laughing with her friends about whatever it was, without thinking about me. My friends are trying to help me, but although we all know that it's easier said than done, it's been incredibly difficult for me to close this chapter and accept that everything is over, and that I bet everything in exchange for love but I ended up losing. With this I resolve that I am worth more than her, and that as much as it hurts me, she does not deserve someone like me, and as much as she attracts me, I should stay away from that woman. It might sound misogynistic, but my mental health and my sanity are not worth an attractive body, or good sex or quality time. I have to be strong and get through this, hoping that I have a good year ahead, but with the concern of having wanted something more with this woman, on her terms of not wanting anything "serious".